


Phantom Pains

by jaegerjaquezoff



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Canonical Character Death, M/M, No Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 05:56:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21351346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaegerjaquezoff/pseuds/jaegerjaquezoff
Summary: Erwin would always tell Levi about his phantom pains, how he would feel sudden pain where the rest of his arm was missing.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 12
Kudos: 48





	Phantom Pains

Erwin would always tell Levi about his phantom pains, how he would feel sudden pain where the rest of his arm was missing. They varied: fleeting tingles first thing in the morning, a constant string of electric-like shocks when he would be doing paperwork, excruciating bouts of tear-inducing pain that felt like his arm was being bitten off all over again that kept him up at night. He never truly complained, only answered honestly when Levi would watch his face screw in agony and ask if it hurt. He embraced the pain because it was a badge of his bravery and sacrifice for humanity.

_ “I don’t get it. How can something that isn’t there hurt? What’s it like?” Levi questioned one night, as he stood next to the Commander, massaging his stump while he scribbled sloppily with his newly-dominant hand. _

_ Erwin set down his quill pen, humming thoughtfully as he tried to put it into words. “Well, I don’t know how it works. But sometimes I’ll be fine, and then suddenly I get them. Like, weird sensations and feelings like there’s a cramp going down into my hand. But, of course, there isn’t because there’s no hand for them to go into.” He winced when Levi’s thumb dug into the still healing flesh at the bottom of the nub, the smaller man apologizing softly. “Sometimes, it’s nearly unbearable, especially when it rains or gets cold, kind of like an old man with arthritis. Other times, I can barely feel it and it doesn’t bother me at all.” _

_ “What about now?” Levi’s voice was soft, worried as his fingers pushed into the muscle of Erwins forearm. “Does this help?” _

_ Erwin nodded, picking up the pen again. “It’s pretty tame right now, but I think it’s because of the massage, they usually soothe the pain.” They both go quiet for a few minutes, Levi watching sadly as Erwin struggles. He doesn’t offer his help, knows by now that Erwin would never take it. “Thank you, Levi,” the blonde speaks suddenly without looking up from his work, so low that Levi knows he isn’t meant to respond. So he stays quiet and digs in a little deeper. _

Levi still never understood the concept, never thought he would. Until he did. Erwin never told Levi how to deal with the pain mentally, emotionally. Never told him how to get rid of the pain. Never told him when the pain would stop. Never told him that the pain wasn’t only physical.

The moment he heard Hange announce the passing of the Commander, Levi knew what Erwin meant about feeling pain where there was nothing. He could feel it in his own heart, over and over, night after night, the heart-wrenching feeling of hoping that Erwin was there with him only to look into the empty space and feel his heart break all over again, just as bad as the first time.

Erwin had suffered just upwards of a year, and Levi thought that maybe he’d only have his own phantom pains for about the same amount of time. But four years later, he still felt it. There wasn’t a single day that he didn’t feel the pain of losing his Commander, his savior, his lover. And he didn’t have anyone to massage away his hurt, no one that could help him feel alright when it got the better of him.

Levi knew how something that wasn’t there anymore could still hurt you, was well-versed in phantom pains now, could explain them with ease if need be, embraced it because it was all he had to remind him of Erwin, a badge of his sacrifice for his own version of humanity. They varied: fleeting tingles first thing in the morning, a constant string of electric-like shocks when he would be cleaning, excruciating bouts of tear-inducing pain that felt like he was watching Erwin die all over again that kept him up at night.

Erwin would always tell Levi about his phantom pains, how he would feel sudden pain where the rest of his arm was missing. Levi kept his phantom pains to himself, would never talk about how he would feel sudden pain where the rest of his heart was missing.

**Author's Note:**

> hahaha i'm big sad so instead of writing my many smut fics i'm behind on, i wrote this angsty shit i've been thinking about for a while.


End file.
